We all have small or large Christmas lists and scan gift buying guides religiously this time of year, so it’s only fair to procure a list for the discerning tastes of luxury loving people (& pets) whom there are no limits when it comes to cash. This is no ordinary shopping guide though, because the items offered from the likes of Moda Operandi, Barneys and Net-A-Porter make a seemingly expensive pair Louboutins look like jelly sandals from Walgreen's by comparison.
Woven sections of 18 karat white gold and twenty-eight circular cut diamonds round out the total bling on this ridiculous purse at 1.96ct of diamonds. Presumably your jewel encrusted lipstick and sterling silver tampon should feel pretty comfortable inside this 52-year-old bag.
You read that right, these leggings are made of actual Watersnake skin which is pretty odd, not to mention nasty. They must have felt bad somewhere in the design process though, since only the front of the pants are animal skin, the back is knit. Nothing more flattering than wearing a sweater on your butt and a reptile to cover your front.
Net-A-Porter describes it as a “sophisticated waist cincher,” when in reality it looks like a medieval chastity belt re-imagined.
Made up of 18-karat white gold with birds carved out of fossilized woolly mammoth tusk (Google it, apparently fossilized remnant of Siberian creatures are a thing), and 5.61-carat white and yellow diamonds, the irony of placing the tusk-birds in a diamond cage was apparently lost of whomever designed this hot mess.
While a fur poncho might seem impractical to most people, the zippered front and fact that it’s reversible is what might sway you to spend around six thousand dollars on this dark angel costume.
Agent Provacateur Zsa Zsa Swarovski Crystal-Embellished Set $2370
Agent Provacateur has been making super luxury lingerie for a while now and most of the time they are beautiful. But this Swarovski studded Zsa Zsa three-piece is just plain silly. First off let’s break down the pricing shall we? Thong $490, Bra $790 and waspie (better known as a waist cincher) $1090. You know for something that will probably be coming off mere seconds after it makes it’s debut in your bedroom, that’s a pretty high price tag.
As you might have guessed these loafers are constructed from crocodile skin but what really throws them over the edge is six diamonds encrusted in the 18k rose gold clasps. The theme should be pretty clear by now, take whatever you can possibly think of, like a loafer or probably even a book and somehow incorporate diamonds into it, you've now increased value by 1000%.
This is no Twilight trilogy, this is three thin books all about Chanel. Have a Chanel purse or ten? You will want this in your library. Aspire to have a double C something or other? You're in luck! Although if you are in the later category, lets be honest, you should really save the money and buy something a bit more functional from Chanel other than books.
Has your man already worn through his Alpaca fur vest? Well this ponyhair, leather-lined zippered jacket should make a fine replacement.
Yet another example of throwing some diamonds all over something ordinary, unfortunately this watch -if you can even call it that- is just plain ugly and when exactly was the last time you saw someone holding a wristwatch anyway??
Zagliani Python Tote $3,800
This python tote is no ordinary bag, it’s a murse, better known as a man-purse. If you are a guy and are so inclined to carry a tote with you during the day -because it really does make sense after all- then this is the one for you. Even Snoop Dogg’s been spotted sporting a Louis Vuitton murse, need more convincing?
This is an idea that was probably vaguely interesting in theory (we are being nice) but really bad IRL. Why the hell would someone lock up their iPad in a metal cage and have it bang around. The image of someone walking around the streets of NYC with a purse or a murse on one shoulder while holding on to a metal briefcase with a iPad thrashing around is the stuff Funny or Die videos are made out of.
Remember the reversible dark angel fur cape earlier? This is what your guy would be wearing as you both settle in to watch the romantic comedy, Eyes Wide Shut.
Bottega Veneta might be known for their leather handbags and goods but you know you’ve really arrived when your pooch is resting her pretty little head on the Italian label’s dog bed and drinking out of a woven leather trim bowl. As for the bed, it’s the same as any other one at a pet store, save for a strip of leather on the edge. It should prove quite tasty to a bored or hungry poochie in no time.
Interior designer Kelly Wearstler’s bottle opener and famed French silversmith Puiforcat’s Caviar bowl are the kind of things a fancy Hollywood “homemaker” would probably love and never use because fancy “homemakers” usually have things catered or chefs to do the dirty work. What exactly are you going to pop open with a $425 opener? Hopefully not a PBR.
Really, J. Mendel?! People actually buy houses for the price of this ridiculous “blanket” and the idea of exactly how many little Sables were sacrificed to the cause of idiots who would want this crap is just sad.
If your child asks how come this teddy bear is so much softer than all the other ones, well that will be a pretty awkward convo unless of course you already have the mink throw lying around your house that is, in which case never mind. As for the voodoo doll in a red dress? Designer or not, that thing looks evil.
There have been a lot of silly, overpriced things on our list so far but they all inherently have some sort of use, all that is- except this one. Why someone would feel the need to have a threesome of marble fake books around their place is beyond us, but clearly interior designer and creator of the $425 bottle opener above, Kelly Wearstler thinks there is a gap in the design market for it.
Images VIA Barneys, Net-A-Porter, KellyWearstler, FarFetch, ModaOperandi